spring is coming?

I wrote a post about a year ago about feeling like “spring” was on the way.  Not just spring in the sense of the season, but spring in my heart.


My heart has been heavy, "wintry" if you will, for quite a while.  Many of you know my struggle with endometriosis and the physical and emotional pain that has caused.  I've dealt with this since my adolescence, over 20 years now.

I've never had huge career aspirations.  Sometimes I’ll half-jokingly say that I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I've always known one thing, though:  I want to be a mom.  If I have a job that I can tolerate that pays the bills, I feel ok about that.   But children have been one of my deepest desires for as long as I can remember.  

When I married Keith in 2003 (10 years ago!), we talked about how having kids might be a problem, because of my health concerns.  I never really believed that, 10 years later, I would be carrying around the pain and burden of the horrible word “infertile.”  For many years, we said we were ok with whatever happened.  “Trying” to get pregnant was too strong a statement – we were “not preventing” and seeing what happens.  And nothing happened...and that was harder than I thought it would be.

We always wanted to adopt, too.  Adoption isn't really “plan B” for us.  I’m so thrilled to be adopting Beya.  I can’t even tell you how much this adoption process is an amazing dream come true.  But somehow…and I can’t really explain it…the waiting and the challenges of the adoption process has done something to exacerbate the “barrenness” in me.  The pain of infertility has not magically disappeared because we have a girl on the way…if anything it seems worse these days.

The court documents we received from the DRC recently stated that “the best place for the child’s blooming is in a family.”   I can’t wait for the blooming of spring in my heart and in our family.

Come home soon, Beya.